Ilargi:
Groucho was as much a philosopher as a comedian. He was also a friend of the likes of Bill Cosby, Elton John and especially Alice Cooper. Woody Allen put Groucho on the same level as Picasso and Strawinsky: way above the crowd.
I thought I’d share some of (t)his, for those of you who have yet to get acquainted with one of the 20th century’s “main men”.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
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